like we used to
by winteredspark
Summary: /So when she's floating in a spectrum of colors and he knots his harsh fingers in her hair she takes what she can get because at least, for a few minutes, someone else believes in magic./ The struggles of discovering oneself and the bonds that break you.
1. part I

****

like we used to (or: the abc's never seemed so dark.)

_- part one_

**

* * *

******

A is for Andre.

"How did you get here?" Tori asks him one afternoon.

The question is asked innocently - and it shouldn't be a big deal, because normal people _don't hide secrets_.

"How does anyone get here?" He answers in a question, taking a sip of his cranberry juice. "Talent, I guess." His nails dig into his shorts and leave blood-smeared cuts on his dark skin.

When he gets home he unlocks the door and makes his way numbly into the living room. His fingers curl around a picture of him and his parents and he lies on the carpet, drowning in the silence of memories. His mom always wanted him to fulfill his dreams and now here he is and she's gone. He kept his end of the bargain, got into Hollywood Arts for her, and she abandoned him.

Sometimes - when he'll admit it to himself - Andre hates his mother for drinking that evening, hates her for driving home by herself, hates her for the police that showed up at his door and handed him her blood smeared scarf.

* * *

**B **is for **B**eck and his stupid thoughts on **b**eauty.

His hands cup her neck and stroke the scars that mar the pale skin.

"Why do you do this to yourself?" he asks her. Her black eyes meet his in the mirror and Jade wishes that he would just walk away now; she looks dead to everyone else but he can see the part of her that is burning (_burning-burning_) to pieces, still clinging to life.

Jade shrugs, examines her chipped black nails, "Why not? I'm not pretty." She speaks the words plainly. To her, they're the truth: she's as plain as the monotonous schedule of the sun and moon, as plain as plain can be. And doesn't she sound cliche now?

He kisses her forehead, makes her shudder. He knows she doesn't like the sweet kind of affection; she's a dare devil - has been, always will be.

"You're beautiful, Jade." He's serious, and that's the worst part.

Jade kisses him, feels his tongue stroke her teeth, because this way she can keep him without having to answer to anyone but herself. Because this way, she can hide back the fact that's he's momentarily rendered her speechless.

* * *

**C **is for **C**at and **c**olors.

She twirls in circles, giggles, tosses gold coins in the air and watches them hit the ground. Then follows the pink and crimson confetti and the blue and yellow balloons, trailing through the air like falling dreams.

She hears the whispers in school - _"stay away from the freak" _- although everyone thinks she's stuck in her own little world. She hears the words and chooses to dance anyways, because nothing is fun in a world made of grays and blacks.

But she hears, oh she hears.

So when she's floating in a spectrum of colors and hears him grunt above her she knows that someone else believes in the beauty of happiness; when he tenses within her and knots his harsh fingers in her hair she takes what she can get because at least, for a few minutes, someone else believes in magic.

She watches him tug up his jeans, slips fifty dollars in his hand, and lets him leave.

* * *

**D **is for **d**eath.

They all see it - know it exists - and yet choose to believe that they are all alone in this cold, cruel world.

"I'd catch a grenade for you, throw my hand on a blade for you, I'd jump in front of a train for you," Trina sings softly, marking another day off on the calender in her room. Another day gone; another day that she could have tripped, fallen, watched her body break, watched her blood leak out like liquid rust.

Tori slips down beside her, "Do you think about dying?" She watches the red marker in Trina's hand trace a thin, ruby line down the center of March 12th.

Trina shrugs, asks, "Did I sing the song well?"

"Yes," says Tori, hugging her sister to her. "Yes, you did."

She's lying - it sounded terrible.

* * *

**E **is for **e**nchant.

Tori enchants people and she knows it.

She walks down the hallway, sees boy's heads turns, watches girls drool away with envy. She likes it - no, loves it: power, worth, meaning. She's the queen in this realm, with her skinny (_skin-and-bones_) body - so she doesn't eat a few meals; it's worth it - and her glorious smiles.

"They all love you," says Trina. It sounds so matter-of-fact.

Tori turns, smiles nicely because she's a good girl, "I know."

And then Jade's there with her dark aura. "Except me," she says, pointing a black painted nail at Tori. "I loathe you, Vega."

Tori is the queen, the White Witch of the North, and she determines that Jade is the Wicked Witch of the West.

That evening, when Tori Vega is showering, she closes her eyes, runs her fingers over her fat (_fat-sofat_) body and sings 'No One Mourns the Wicked.'

* * *

**F **is for **f**orgiveness.

They fight, and that's not very unusual.

Jade goes home, rips her clothes to shreds - like those dudes in the Bible, because that supposedly helped them - and wipes the tears off her cheeks. Midnight finds her standing over Beck's bed with eyes as black and vast as the universe; her nails dig into his arm and he starts awake.

"What the hell?" Beck mumbles sleepily, then looks through bleary eyes at his girlfriend. "You're naked."

"So what?" she asks him. "Beck I'm -" But those words won't come out.

His pointer finger traces trails on her cheeks and he pulls her to rest beside him, saying, "You've been crying."

"Psh, please," she says, lying her head on his chest. He sleeps without a shirt on and somehow, in the midst of her inward struggles, she finds herself turned on by that observation.

Silence creeps over them, poisonous. "Beck," Jade tries again, "I'm so-"

(It's too hard, those simple words: _I'm sorry._)

"I know," he says, kissing her throat. "I know."

Jade's hand slips under the covers and she finds that sometimes her boyfriend sleeps naked. He's inside of her before she can say a syllable. She's tight and it hurts, but she won't tell him that. Perhaps she deserves the stinging sensation; maybe this is her punishment for nearly kicking Beck out of her life again.

As they move together Jade is confident that she's been forgiven.

She always is.

* * *

**G **is for **g**erms.

"Cat," Robby groans, pushing the red-haired girl further away, "you're breathing all over my burrito."

Cat giggles, "Sorry, I was just trying to reach my Sky Store magazine." She points at it and Robby hands it to her. Instantly she frowns, "Ewww, you touched it. Germs!"

Robby flushes at her teasing, "You're a female dog."

"What?" she asks, totally confused. Her eyes light up as she spots a scizzor polisher on page 14 of the magazine.

"You know," Robby says, scooting further away from her, "a female dog? A bee with an itch? I'm not comfortable saying the actual word."

"Cat," Tori says. "Robby is telling you that you're a bitch."

Cat opens her mouth, closes it, and smiles. Just smiles. The light dies from her eyes but she keeps on smiling.

She makes sure to breathe all over Robby's burrito as she leaves, slinging her backpack over her right shoulder.

* * *

**H **is for **h**iding.

They stare at each other and silently communicate; it's not as cool as it sounds.

"Sometimes," Tori says, "I think you're hiding something." She lifts her legs and twines her ankles before settling them on the grass.

Andre leans closer, invasively close, until they are sharing breathing space, "Maybe I am. But maybe it's not your business." He's never been so harsh to her before and it makes him sort of monster.

Tori blinks and stretches her fingers towards his. She links hands with him desperately, as though she is drowning and he is her life-vest. "Ok," she says softly.

"Sometimes I think you're hiding who you really are behind a mask," Andre says. He watches her expression shift and tighten.

Tori rests her head on the ground, "Sometimes it's nice to be quiet."

She's still holding his hand.

* * *

**I **is for **i**ce cream.

"What flavor did you get?" Beck asks Tori.

"Blue Cotton Candy," she says, taking another bite and smearing it all over her cheeks and nose. "And you?"

"Strawberry," Beck says, looking over at her. The sun is just dipping below the mountains and yellow beams of light caress Tori's face. It makes her look really beautiful, somehow.

A pause. "You wanna make grape?" he asks, sliding closer. If you ask Beck why he wanted to kiss Tori Vega he won't tell you, because he doesn't understand his own motives - it wasn't that Jade didn't satisfy him, or he was moving on; it was more a curiosity to find out what a good girl tasted like.

"No," Tori says, touching the fingers on her left hand and smiling absentmindedly.

Beck admires her blunt attitude. "So, friends then," he says.

It's nice to have a girl who's just a friend; it's nice not to have the pressure to date there. There's not the pressure to appear your best, to stash away all of your faults.

Sometimes, Beck misses being Jade's friend.

* * *

**J **is for **j**umping.

Trina has written another play.

"Oh, Hans," she reads off the script. "All I want is to be free. I want to be free to jump to the stars and beyond!"

Robby, who is auditioning for the part of Hans, reads, "Ah, my love. Bestow upon me a kiss and you'll be free, free to jump, free I see."

As soon as their lips touch Trina lets out a girlish squeal - because his lips are cold and slimy - and she stumbles backwards, crashing into the set and breaking through it. A loud _thump_ echoes around the room, followed by wails.

Needless to say, Trina is rushed to the hospital and returns with a leg in a cast, and Robby doesn't get the part of Hans.

"I think she liked the kiss," Robby whispers to Rex backstage.

* * *

**K** is for **k**isses and **k**illing.

They're huddled on the couch in the school's auditorium - Jade, Tori, Cat, and Trina - watching a movie called the Killing War.

"Is there any point to this?" Tori whimpers as a gruesome scream erupts from the sound system.

Jade laughs, "What are you talking about, Vega? This movie is amazing." She cackles as someone gets their heart ripped out with a knife in the movie (and this is what she's good at: _playing tough_.)

Trina is crying and burrowing her head into Cat's neck. Cat claps her hands together and leans closer to the screen, "This movie is so violent." She says the words cheerfully.

"I know," Jade practically giggles.

Tori glares at the black haired antagonist, "Are you determined to scar _my_ friends for life?"

"I think _our_ friends will survive with only minor brain damage," Jade replies, smirking. Their eyes play a heated battle.

"Why are you so determined to ruin my life?" Tori asks, and she's been awarded the crown for Drama Queen.

Jade brushes a strand of Tori's hair behind her ear, "Because you're a goody-goody, and all goody-two shoes need to be exposed." Suddenly she captures Tori's lips with her own and they kiss fiercely. Tori can't tell if she kisses back or not; it's all too confusing.

"Why the _hell _did you do that?" Tori gasps when they part. "I don't - I don't swing that way, Jade."

Jade pauses, chips black paint off her nails, and says, "I'm not homo either, so chill out."

Tori wants to ask why (_why on earth would she do this?_) but her lips are frozen. The sounds of the movie wash over them, the screams drowning out the building silence.

"I wanted to see what a good girl tastes like," Jade says, unconsciously echoing Beck's thoughts. She licks her lips. "You taste like pain, Vega. _Pain and lies_."

The next day -

(shh don't tell anyone)

- Tori paints her nails black.

* * *

**L **is for **l**ove.

Does anyone really understand it?

.

Beck moves inside of Jade, sweating and pulsing and crying out as they squirm together; they are one.

"Do you love me?" he pants.

Jade looks at him through glazed eyes - and he thinks they shine like the moon: mysterious and breathtaking at the same time.

"What is love?" she asks him.

It's a good point, he thinks. After all, they always have been good about thinking about themselves first. That will never change -

- until he looks at those breathtaking black eyes of hers and spots the speck of goodness, a flickering candle in the midst of darkness.

They kiss and he breathes _(I love __you_) into her mouth.

.

Cat listens to his heartbeat: thump, thump, thump, like the beat of a drum in a parade.

Dawn is creeping over the horizon and he hasn't left yet. They always leave.

"Are you okay?" she breathes in a tiny voice. She's so afraid (no she's not) that he'll hear her and get up, take her money, and leave.

They always leave.

His lips press softly against her neck. "Yes," he says just as quietly.

Cat won't introduce him to anyone else, won't even admit his identity to herself because then it might not be real, but she'll treasure him here, all to herself.

He doesn't leave -

- and she believes that there's still magic in the world left for someone as despicable as herself.

.

They hold hands in secret places, play games that will eventually end in heartbreak.

"Sometimes," Tori tells Andre, stroking his thick brown hair, "I think I love you."

He looks into her eyes, "You're still playing games, Victoria." Oh she hates (_hates-hates_) it when he uses her full first name.

They hold hands in secret places and play games, but don't kiss.

.

Not many people discover what love truly is, but when they do, they'd better hold on to it with everything they have.

True love is more precious than anything in the world.

* * *

( -**_tbc_- **)


	2. part II

**like we used to**

**. part two .**

_I'm sorry for updating so slow, guys. I'm busy with college scholarship stuff and I just haven't been able to post a lot, but here's something. I really hope you enjoy it. Reviews will brighten my day, so go ahead and leave a comment. _

* * *

There's another word that starts with **L. **It's this: **l**eaving.

"I love you," Cat tells him one afternoon, and as soon as she says it she knows she's done something horribly wrong.

He looks at her, eyes musing and shifting like rolling storm clouds. "I love you too," he whispers eventually. But it's wrong, off somehow.

"Liar," Cat says. She's all bright smiles because the colors are still dancing in her head, but they're accompanied by the blaring of alarms. Fires are raging through the streamers in her mind, crumpling them into piles of dust.

He touches her cheek and although she wants to slap his hand away she doesn't. "I got this offer -"

Cat holds up a hand; he doesn't have to finish. All he's been talking about for the past several weeks is Juilliard and how he loves their music program and would do anything to be a part of it. It's one of the things she loves about him: his abilities with music, the way he sinks into a piece like he's a dying man and it is the last source of water on the earth.

"You have to take it." She sounds numb. Balloons pop, ash rains from the sky and on she smiles.

His lips taste like lollipops. "Thank you," he says, fervently, "thank you."

His bags are already packed by the front door and she wonders if he would have left already had she not come home early from school. Her head is spinning and she feels ready to collapse on the floor but for him she'll muster the energy. She has to look at him one more time.

The door opens. "Liar," says Cat, her once-innocent eyes tracing the line on his brow and the shape of his fingers.

The question is in his eyes: _Why?_

"If you loved me then you would stay," Cat murmers. A plastic smile freezes on her face and she looks positively miserable. She doesn't get to finish - _if you loved me, you would stay, because this is when I need you most _- before he slams the door behind him and stomps on the gas.

Fumes trace ashen trails on the road and he's gone.

* * *

**M **is for **m**agical.

They're on the top step of his motor-home. Jade feels his fingers tracing shapes on her back and for a moment she allows herself to relax into him.

"You're not pulling away," Beck says, his surprised eyes seeking her face.

Jade looks at him for a long time - and the girly part of her brain wants to say "_because you make me feel happier than anyone else."_ But she's not a girly girl and Beck knows that. And yet he takes her for _her_, not for some blonde haired, pink lipped voluptuous cheerleader, but as black nailed, bad tempered _her_.

"Don't get used to it," Jade mutters.

They kiss and for once it's not harsh or frenzied. The stars gossip amongst themselves, wondering if Jade could actually care about someone besides herself.

Beck strokes her hair when they pull away and she pushes his hand towards his side. "Sometimes, on nights like these, I wonder about our future - if we have one together."

"I don't," Jade says, and it's a lie. She thinks about the white pickett fence and two and a half children and Beck kissing her in their bed everything morning. Yeah they sort of already do that but it wouldn't hurt to make it official. "You could find someone much better than me, and you ought to."

His lips find her forehead. "I can't imagine putting up with anyone but you," Beck says.

"Well that's romantic," Jade says, but she's smirking with a rare bit of joy she hopes he doesn't see. He does.

If Jade believed in fairy tales and all that bippity-boppity-boo uselessness she might think the moment they were sharing was magical, but she doesn't. Well, ok, maybe a little.

* * *

**N **is for **n**onsense.

"You're too thin," says Andre.

Tori only shakes her head and smiles - and tries to ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach that makes her want to fling herself into the bathroom across the hall.

"I'm just right," Tori says. She smiles and it's big and (_oh so_) fake.

That evening she throws up her dinner - and tastes the fattening chili as it slides up and out of her throat - and weighs herself on the scale next to the toilet.

It reads 88 pounds.

"Just right," says Tori, smiling despite the tears shuddering in her eyes. She's so happy (_not_) to be thin; she's not scared (_not_) at all.

* * *

**O **is for **o**cean.

The girls go to the beach in that terribly (familiar) awkward way. Jade drives, Tori sits in the front passenger seat - so she can make sure Jade doesn't screw up - and Trina and Cat huddle in the back, whimpering as the car swerves.

Cat flings herself in the ocean and lets herself sink beneath the surface. It's so beautiful, full of aquatic creatures and rippling salt water; it all looks like shining crystals and it's so pretty that she never wants to -

- _eeek_. Cat inwardly shrieks as someone yanks her above water. Air enters her lungs with sharp pains and she claws at her shoulders.

"What is wrong with you?" Tori is shouting. "Were you trying to kill yourself?"

Cat just smiles - and feels her heart break as she sees Tori's thin (too-too-thin) body and wonders if that would have made him stay - and smiles. "I wanted to see what sinking felt like."

She looks down into the water and remembers how at home she felt, more at home than she's felt in months.

* * *

**P **is for **p**arty.

Andre is tired of watching Tori waste away. She's losing herself, this he knows, and he also knows that she'll continue to do it until she simply floats away in the breeze. So he attends Beck's party and heads straight for the drinks.

"I thought you were determined to remain sober," Jade says with a frown.

He looks at her and downs a cup of beer, although in hindsight it must have been several; his vision begins to blur a little and he giggles as a hiccup escaped.

Jade wrinkles her nose and he sees her eyes connect with Beck. He's dancing with another girl on the island in the kitchen.

"You're drunk," says Jade. She looks him up and down hungrily and Andre sees her lick her lips, as though he is some form of prey she's about to devour. But then again, he's not really thinking that clearly at this point.

Andre feels her fingers clutching his shirt, feels their lips press together, feels the bed hit his back as they writhe together. Hours pass, hands roam, bodies press together and he slides in and out of her before he's even aware of what's going on. The next thing he remembers, they're lying in bed together and he realizes that Jade is naked. Then he realizes that _he_ is naked.

Their eyes meet; she doesn't look repentant.

"Don't tell Beck," Jade says. She slides on jeans and a tanktop and then she's gone.

Andre really hates her sometimes, but with the alcohol pulsing in his system it's hard to tell.

* * *

**Q **is for **q**uit.

"Nobody cares," Trina says one evening. "Nobody gives a damn about me anymore."

Robby shrugs and sits next to her on her couch, purposely invading her bubble space (because Rex told him to.) "I care," Robby says. He flutters his long eyelashes.

"What are you, a girl?" Trina wonders. She smiles, though, so he knows everything is okay. "If you care so much about me then do me a favor."

"Anything," says Robby. Now that he thinks about it, he shouldn't have agreed to anything. But at the time all he could focus on was her lips.

Trina smirks coldly, "Just leave me alone." She slings a bag over her shoulder - it has green and gold stripes on it - and leaves her house. "I quit trying."

The next morning the front page news flashes the following story: _Student at Hollywood Arts attempts suicide. _

* * *

**R **is for **r**esistance.

"Don't I deserve to be happy?" Tori asks Andre one afternoon while they're lying on the grass outside. It's sort of become their "spot" now.

Andre pats her head and watches sadness undulate in her eyes. "Of course," he says, although he should probably just shut up because they're all so messed up it's not even funny.

"Thanks," whispers Tori. "I think - I think I -"

He can't let her say it. "I slept with Jade," Andre blurts out, eyes wide.

Tori freezes and he's never seen her so hurt (disappointed.) "Why do you want me to eat, Andre?" She pats her stomach, pulls up her blouse, and he winces at the bony outline.

"Because I want you to live," Andre says, being as truthful as he can. Of course he wants her to live but more importantly he wants her to live for himself.

Tori slaps him. "You don't want me to get better for me, Andre," she hisses, "because if you did then you wouldn't be sleeping around."

She heads for the bathroom - probably to throw up - and Andre knows she hates him.

* * *

**S **is for **s**avior.

Cat leaves a message on his phone, because he won't pick up, won't talk to her.

"Hi, it's me - Cat. I hope you're having an amazing time and - and I miss you. I love you, or at least I think I do. You make me feel the music in my soul, and that will never change."

Her phone beeps later, signaling a text message. She throws away her food when she sees it.

_I might not come back, _it says.

Cat types emotionlessly, robotically. She presses the green button and sends her message:

_I needed you to be my savior. _

* * *

**T **is for **t**ermination and **T**ori.

Sirens wail, tires screech, and ambulances race towards the Vega residence.

Victoria Vega lies on the floor in a puddle of her own blood and vomit; blood still leaks from the corner of her parted lips.

* * *

-**tbc**-


	3. part III

**like we used to**

**. part three . **

_Here is the last part of this story. If you don't know, this story has been nominated for an award at the annual Victorious Awards; it's a huge honor and I've very appreciative to be considered! Now, this is where you come in. Go to 'forums' and then to 'Victorious' and click on Lovely Amelie's Victorious Awards forum. Mine is within the Best Overall catagory. All you have to do is click on the bubble next to the name of my story - like we used to - and it will send in a vote for me. Thank you all and have a blessed evening! _

* * *

**U **is for **u**mbrella.

It's raining in Trina Vega's world, both literally and figuratively. Rain pounds the pavement and soaks into the earth, nourishes plants. Trina's heeled boots nearly slip on the slick sidewalk with every step and she chews a piece of gum.

"Trina Vega?" A familiar voice asks.

She turns, eyes piercing his dark face. "What do you want?" What she wants to say is this: _I'm hurting, I'm bleeding, please - please help me_. But she seals her lips shut.

"You're soaked." It's not a question.

Trina shrugs, "Okay, so what?" She crosses her arms and tries to appear defiant. It must work, because he takes several steps back. "Maybe I _like_ the rain. Maybe I like feeling the cold _seep_ into my body and _steal the life _from me. Maybe I _like_ being _suicidal_!" She can't tell what's on her face - tears or rain - but it doesn't matter.

He doesn't hug her and she's glad, because she would have slapped him if he'd tried anything. "Well," he says, "I'm glad you like all that. Would you like to share my umbrella?"

Trina looks at the umbrella (and it's big and clunky and ugly and once upon a time she wouldn't have been caught dead with that thing.)

"What does it matter?" she wonders before stepping under the protection of the umbrella. "No one can help me anymore."

He sighs, "I think it does matter." Silence falls over them and her nails dig into her palms. "You left the ER why exactly? Trina, you tried to _kill _yourself." He looks pained at the thought.

Trina's eyes solidify into merciless chunks. "You know absolutely _nothing _about me. You have _no right _to know anything!"

"Don't I?" he whispers.

Her dad's lips press against her forehead and Trina falls into his embrace, losing herself in the blurred world of sobs.

* * *

**V **is for **v**alentine.

Cat counts out the wad of bills in her hand over and over, trying to ignore that she always comes up one hundred dollars short. Always short. The streamers no longer float in her mind and she's given up trying to fill balloons with helium. Memories always seem to come along and pop them.

"Why are you counting money?" Beck asks her. She forgot she was sitting with him at lunch.

"My -" Cat begins, cutting off. The man who left her wasn't her boyfriend exactly, but not a friend either. She doesn't know what to call him. "Someone left and I'm trying to go after him."

"I would have thought you'd have come up with a whole prince charming analogy or something," Beck says. He smirks, but the effort is plastic, just like herself.

She shakes her head slowly, almost nonexistant. "Dreams fall," she says, and it's nearly poetic. But she's always been the cheerful one so it comes out wrong.

Beck's fingers splay across her knee and send little tingles up her leg. It makes her giggle and he shoots a confused look at her.

"Not for you," Beck says softly. He takes her hand and she smiles at the feeling of his thumb rubbing her skin. It's nice to at least have one friend in the midst of life.

Cat eyes the poster on the pole behind Beck and twists her lips. "I hate Valentine's Day."

"No, you just hate being single," Beck says. He smiles lightly. "No worries, I'm single too. Jade doesn't like expressing her feelings through gifts or flattery - or anything, really."

Cat giggles again, "I think Jade will wish you a Happy Valentine's Day tonight, Beck."

"Did you actually just make a sexual reference?" Beck asks, snorting in amusement. He fondles a rose in his fingers and wishes that he could give it to Jade, but he can't. And a new idea is blossoming in his mind. "Will you be my valentine, Cat?"

She smiles for real this time - and it's blinding, radiant to everyone around her. Streamers burst to life and balloons spin in circles as she takes the rose from Beck and inhales the soft scent.

"Okay," Cat whispers.

He leans closer and she can see a drop of liquid hanging from one of his girl-ish lashes.

"I just want you to be happy," Beck says. "As your friend, I feel obligated to keep you somewhat sane - er, in good spirits." Sane isn't really a good word to describe Cat.

"There's a party going on in my head," Cat says with a giggle. "But I'm not going to kiss you."

Beck shrugs and Cat feels his smooth lips press against her cheek; it's such a sweet gesture - one she's never had the pleasure of experiencing before this - that it brings tears to her eyes.

Jade is lucky to have Beck, Cat thinks. Anyone would be lucky to have Beck.

* * *

**W **is for **W**al-mart.

Andre stands behind shelves filled with different brands of condoms. He remembers Jade's naked, sweaty body lying on top of his sheets and feels a mixture of disgust and desire.

"Hello?" A girl is standing next to him. She's pretty, with white skin and long, curly brown hair. Her brown eyes gleam with friendliness and a bit of seduction, if he can guess correctly.

Andre smiles stiffly, "Um - hey."

"You go to Hollywood Arts, right?" The girl asks with a toss of her hair. At his nod she grins. "I've seen you coming out there and I must say, I envy your fantastic musical abilities!"

"Thanks," Andre says, smiling for real this time. "I'm Andre."

"And I'm Monica," she says. "So - are you single?"

Andre catches his breath, imagines Jade lying on his bed waiting for him to come and sleep with her, and then Tori lying on the hospital bed looking up at him with eyes full of hurt. _She hates me_, he thinks, looking back at Monica. And then it hits him: he's turned into a manwhore, sleeping with multiple girls just to try and fill the void in his heart.

"Well?" Monica wonders, those dark eyes so tempting. It would be so easy to "slip up" again. And she seems so nice.

"I -" he hesitates as she swishes lip gloss against her plump mouth, "We'll see."

Monica giggles flirtaciously and hands him a piece of ripped paper. "I put my number on there. Call me." She touches his hand and then saunters off towards women's intimate apparels.

He's a damn coward.

(Ten minutes later he calls Monica and tells her that he can't see her. Moments later he texts Jade the same thing. He's done with pretensions.)

* * *

**X **is for **'x**terminated.

Tori lies on the hospital bed with face so pale it seems that she'll fade away any second. Her eyes trace the letters of the text she just recieved first with disbelief and then with resignation:

_I slept with Andre; we need to talk - Jade_

She doesn't know why she feels so heartbroken; she knew this would happen after playing all those mind games with Andre. He wouldn't have left if she'd just been with him. But now, now she doesn't care anymore. She's done with him.

"Tori," Jade says as she steps into the room. She's not wearing any makeup and her face darkens as she spots Tori lying practically lifeless on the sterilized bed. "Tori, I -"

"I don't care that you slept with him," Tori whispers. Her voice scratches with fatigue, she would say - but it's not; it's something akin to despair. "I just want to know why."

Jade swallows but refuses to look intimidated. This is Vega, the girl she's been practically tooth and claw with for weeks and months. "I was jealous of Beck for hanging out with other girls," she says matter-of-factly, "and Andre was convinient."

Tori's eyelids flutter weakly, "So you seduced him?"

Jade feels a strange hollow ache reverberate in her chest, something she's never felt this intensely.

"No," Jade says. "He kissed me first. He came to me - drunk - and I just followed along."

Tori flinches and her eyes close. Tears leak down her cheeks and the girl's body shakes. Jade is afraid that she'll break if she progresses to hysterics.

"I did this for him," Tori whispers at last. She lifts up her shirt and Jade convulses as she sees the outline of Tori's bones; she's far, far too thin. Nut-house kind of far too thin. "I did this for him," Tori says, still crying slow tears, "and he destroyed me. I - I -" The words won't come out (and oh, Jade knows how hard that is.)

Jade sits down on the bed next to Tori and takes the latter's cold, frail hand, trying to press life back into it. "Say it," Jade hisses, probably a little too harshly.

At least she's here. At least she cares, damn it.

"I ha - hate him," Tori says, her voice barely detectable.

Jade squeezes her hand. "I'm sorry." It's the first time she actually means the words.

Tori looks up through eyes glazed with tears. "Do you think," she asks, "we could have been friends in another life?"

Jade shrugs - because mushy stuff really isn't her thing. "We could - er - get along now, I suppose. I don't happen to possess a time travel machine."

They are united because of hate; they both hate Andre for who he's become.

* * *

**Y **is for **y**esterday.

Cat sits on her roof and watches the sun set. She holds one of _his_ shirts up to her face and breathes in the comfortable scent, wondering if he'll ever be back.

"You can't keep hold onto yesterdays," Beck says. He sits Indian style next to her and she lets her head fall onto his shoulder; red hair flows down towards his lap like flaming tendrils.

Cat smiles, one fake, and one real. She's trying so hard to discover herself. "I know," she says cheerfully, but it's not that same kind of cheerful she used to have. Fingers dig and she pulls out her cell phone, flipping through messages until she comes to his recent one:

_I can't come back to you, Cat. Not when I've already promised myself to someone else. _

The words hurt, eyes squeeze shut and trap tears, but she knows that one day she will be okay.

"That message came from my phone," Beck says at last. She looks at him, utterly confused, until he holds up his phone and shows her all of the same messages.

Streamers dance, grays and blacks fade into the abyss, and she wonders why she couldn't remember his face until now. His lips press against her cheek sweetly before he pulls away.

"But Jade -" Cat begins.

"For now," Beck says. His arms wrap around her, sure of themselves and very protective.

Cat shrugs, "You love Jade. You make me feel alive. One day you'll have to choose." She snuggles into him anyways because for once she feels that everything truly will be okay.

She can feel Beck's heart beating steadily. "Not now," Beck says, lying her down. She lets him.

So when she's floating in a spectrum of colors and hears him grunt above her she knows that someone else believes in the beauty of happiness; when he tenses within her and knots harsh fingers in her hair they feel like velvet to her and she knows that, at least for a few minutes, someone else believes in magic.

Cat watches him tug up his jeans, smiles and laughs to herself despite her exhaustion as he slips one hundred dollars into her right hand.

"That's to find your someone," Beck whispers into her ear.

He doesn't leave this time.

* * *

**Z** is for **zzzzz**.

Every night, despite the joys and problems, all fall asleep. All dream. And when they wake up to the soft morning light it's a new day.

A new dawning.

A new beginning.

* * *

- **the end** -


End file.
